Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The League of Virtual Vixens

It was a dark and sultry Saturday night, when I got the call from Hypno-Signal from Hypnotique. I immediately dropped my shopping back and clicked my heels, ending up in the Vixen Tower, with my fellow members of the League of Virtual Vixens...

Yes, it's another Epic Tale from Questi Comics, starring the sultry villains of Second Life. Her full post is here and the comic is available for your enjoyment on Comicdish.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Friday, October 3, 2008

Mad Labs

"Blood for the Blood God! Marrow for the Mighty M! Tremble before the spectacle of the Linden who is impossible to name, for to even contemplate his actual epithet with a consciousness and body confined to a mere three dimensions is not possible for meager mortals such as yourselves: to even attempt it is forbidden, lest ye wake things best not disturbed."
- Linden Lab New Employee Orientation Packet

The most disturbing image from the recent vice presidential debate was somebody waving a sign that read, "Dick Cheney in a Dress" -- and this from a supporter of Sarah Palin, mind you. As if that was on any level humanly conceivable a good thing.

While you're meekly pondering the many layers of shivering terror that such a meme conveys, let me sneak in an apology for the lack of blog updates: Between these electoral shenanigans, a stock market collapse, and a new collar around my neck, I haven't had time.

So to keep you entertained, I've reached out to some previous contributors for some fresh articles.
First to answer the call was long-time Tiny Dancing contributor, M Linden. Four moons ago, M Linden was a mild-mannered peddler of Internet fruits and vegetables on the aptly-named Organic.com. Then he wrested control of Linden Lab and its wayward band of hippies, neckbeards, and *nix aficionados from a callipygous boy-toy named Phillip Linden.

In this thoughtful retrospective, he reminisces about his first eventful months as the CEO of Linden Lab.

His article has been sitting in my inbox for a while, for which I apologize, and it's possible you may have already seen a later version he posted on the official Second Life blog.

But I still think this early draft shares some surprising insights about the new direction.

~ Kanomi

State of the Lab
by M Linden

My how time flies when you are having fun. In my first four months as your Chief Enablement Officer, our shared social interactive space has been evolving into the new 2.0 ecosystem at netspeed.

During that time, we at the Lab have been busy spearheading new initiatives and breadcrumbing task forces to facilitate positive uptick in your enjoyment matrix.

Here's our progress report.

How are we doing?

We're really getting outside the box on some of our incremental, value add solutions. We just finished up a very proactive third quarter. Yesterday, we hit a peak concurrency of 71,232 ponygirls -- that's an increase of 6% in less than a month. Year-over-year, peak ponygirls concurrency has grown more than 38%.

An even more impressive figure is the number of Gorean Masters who actually logged in and engaged in community-based interactions with their slaves on a peer-to-peer basis this month. Did I say slaves? I'm sorry, I meant differentially-liberated life partner (DLLP).

The big win on this customer flow is that more than 5,942 unique Gorean Masters and their DLLPs logged in and communally leveraged their Excite attachments at some point during the week. That's a big win-win on the consumer satisfaction matrix.

Now you may be querying your knowledge base as to why we're data mining a statistic as granular as that, but it's a product requirement for our segmentation 2.0 campaign. Some major sponsorship partners are already drilling down to core gamer demographic, and we believe the next generation of that wave is to further slice and dice that metric into even more narrowband demos like catgirls and scalies.

Because when I was summoned here, it was to execute this vision. I have that vision. When a PepsiCola says, "We're scaling up a new energy vitalization drink narrow-beamed at online bondage gimps. Where can we bandwidth Power Piss at our key demo?" it's going to be Linden Lab that stands up and says, "Salutations sponsorship prospect! Check out these sims!"

Office Hours

I was power-idling from 1:30 SLT to 1:45 SLT yesterday, October 2nd, inside that big Greek temple conference room, touching base with all of you userbase partners on a micro level. My client timed out, but I had my chat log on, and my executive assistant bullet pointed your grievances on a macro level. I see some black eyes on connectivity still. We're working together for some same page wins on that one.

Remember, you don't need to proactively make an appointment for Office Hours, just touch down for the meet and greet and we'll workshop and do some concepting. You can find my office by engaging my Inventory button, then interacting with my Landmarks folder. If you miss it next time I'll send out a PowerPoint.

Electronic Arts' Spore

I wanted to get our ducks in a row on this one as a competitor threat because I was getting good twitter from some peer group competitors on LinkedIn. So I mandated a threat assessment report from our boots on the ground team of customer satisfaction enablers. Then I interfaced with the e-tainment game client itself. It was sporing. Ha ha!

Take a memo, EA! You may have engaged more potential eyeballs than us right now but they aren't clustering on your site. Our users are 95% stickier than yours -- and if you don't believe me, just check out our Bukkake sims around 2 AM, Berlin time.

What's Next?

With more core competencies and a new client satisfaction matrix, we're going to ramp up our monetization processes.

And if that doesn't uptick some positive outcomes, I'll ask Hank Paulson for a bailout. After all, we have a lot of failed banks in Second Life too.


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Talking Friend to All

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Friday, August 15, 2008

Romance 2.0

I first saw her facebook on twitter,
I gave her a yelp and a plurk.
She joined my family on flickr,
We started im-ing at work.

I confessed I wanted to blogger,
She tweeted my ning with movable type;
I pinged her xbox until she shoutcast,
We burned up a feed on skype.

The third day we were married in warcraft,
Epic wedding: orcish man, elven wife;
The fourth day she caught me cheating
with a catgirl in second life.

Now myspace is a deleted entry,
Where my wikipedia used to be.

No matter how much you google it,
there's no such thing as eharmony!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

What's Your Take? - Kanomi Can't Log In

Kanomi has not been able to get onto Second Life reliably for some time, depriving the metaverse of the "friend to all." What's your take on this crisis facing America and the world?

Bunnypet Hugsalot
Chim line dancer

Darkchylde Daggerheart
Invisibility practicioner

Slog Lurker
What's a Kanomi? That company that makes videogames? Who cares.I have noted a 25% reduction in lomg! drama since her absence. This would appear to be good, but the nightclubs are empty. Empty!Leaving a blog comment would be abandoning my tough guy macho shell.


Wednesday, June 4, 2008

You cannot make $20k a year peeing on a couch

Make a scary siren sound with your vocal chords. Yes, your real ones not some SIREN.WAV sound in your damned inventory. Now pretend that sound is the Tiny Dancing Brand Center Public Service Announcement siren. Are you being a siren yet? Good, let's begin.

Yesterday evening I was in need of a good, free couch to pose my Real Dolls on. And yes I have two of them, and yes they are Lesbians, that is a lifestyle choice they have made and I am supporting them in that. This is why I needed the couch: they won't sleep in my bed anymore.

Real Doll Order Form

So I headed over to Craigslist, browsing the ads, which is sort of like America's dumping ground for junk you can't be arsed to eBay.

I quickly found a suitable couch, and the grainy, out of focus picture of the davenport in action featured (surprise, surprise!) a grimy carpet, a Nintendo Pii-Wii controller, and a Bob Marley poster peeling off the wall just enough to see the crumbling, cracked plaster facade of one man's failed life.

It's easy to picture the owner of this couch, some crybaby hipster doofus who probably just got laid off from his Web 2.0 social media embeddable widget start-up Flipspan.com, and is too lazy to move or sell his couch. So he just dumps it on the sidewalk, posts it as "Free!" on Craigslist and forgets about it, feeling good about himself for "giving back to the community" and "defeating the corporate couch-industrial complex," never mind that three weeks after he's moved out of the neighborhood the fucking couch is still there, stained with rain-induced mildew and dog urine.

My city is full of generous guys like these, in their post-ironic T-shirts featuring Che Guevara printed up Andy Warhol-style. Actually, I only invented that mental image right now, but of course Google already had it ready to serve up. This proves stonermagically that everything already exists on the Internet. You just have to bongwish it into being.

Che Guevara Pop Art

So take that, you Extropian fiends! No more waiting around for your Singularity. The Internet is obviously already sentient and telepathic; it is already the collective unconscious of the human race, which is why it is already jammed up to its virtual visual cortex with porn.

Anyhoo, after losing interest in the couch and musing upon what a dirty mind this Internet fellow has, I blundered across the phenomenon Mr. Singularity would call "a coincidence" but which a hipster doofus would call "synchronicity" because Sting wrote an album about it, which makes it real in hipster doofus physics.

The synchronicity in question was this attention-grabbing sodomization of reality:

Make $20k+ a Year. Second Life Virtual Business! WOW! - $152

Second Life business for sale ad from Craigs List

This is a real post, though it will probably be gone in a week or so since they auto-expire; however you can find more by googling craigs. I put up a screen shot as proof, but if you cannot read the tiny print, here is what it says:

I am currently selling my virtual business in the game of secondlife. (Visit Secondlife.com for more info on the game.) Basically this game is a virtual metaverse that is a copy of Real Life. There are over 5,000,000 Users worldwide and over $1,250,000USD IN DAILY CURRENCY FLOWING AROUND THE GAME. Yes, this means that a piece of that $1.2 Mill Daily could be yours! I am not saying you will make anywhere close to $1.2 Mill daily but hey, who knows? Basically you buy this business from me and set it up and watch sales come in. It requires no more then 1 hour a week of your time after the intitial setup. Just check your mall rental fees and check your sales and answer customers questions. The reason I am selling this business is because i sold my personal computer and I am going off to SCHOOL.

Wow, only one hour a week and hey, who knows, I might make twenty thousand or maybe even some of that MILLION dollars flowing around the world like group spam! This kind of wishful thinking is what we might call hipster doofus economics, preying on the greed and naiveté of a generation of deadbeats whose decaying public schools have left them so bad at math they think they can get rich quick sitting on a couch, masturbating to Donald Trump's television-based reality.

But I am on to you, hipster doofus. If you sold your personal computer and are going to school, then how did you manage to use your computer to post an ad for your urine-soaked couch of a business?

You can tell by the screen shot of that little FEMA trailer of a shop that this guy is not exactly Anshe Chung enterprises. Let's take a closer look at some of his merchandise. Ha, ha Pittsburgh Pirates. Hipsters like irony:

High quality Pirate merchandise

I added the encouraging caption, because you'll need some if you think you're going to make twenty thousand dollars a year selling contraband virtual baseball hats.

That raises a good question though: if an unlicensed fake is sold in a virtual world do the two irrealities somehow cancel each other out like Sting's songs and turn into something real, like my undying love for Phillip Linden?

The Tiny Dancing Brand Center: Exploiting robot labor since 2008!

You see, to prove my undying love I created a robot Phillip to do my bidding in my own hellish FEMA trailer of a Second Life store. And that's real.

But am I being hypocritical mocking that Craigslist guy for trying to sell his joke business, while at the same time operating the Tiny Dancing Branding Center, which by the way is the world's #1 source for ugly "M Linden Power Idling" T-shirts, on sale now for a limited time only for the low, low price of ten Lindens, available both in world and on the SL Exchange?

Yes, yes I am, because hypocrisy is hipster doofus politics, and if you happen to see this headline on Craiglist some day:

Make $20k+ a Year Selling Ugly M Linden Power Idling T-Shirts! WOW! $200

then you'll know Flipscan.com has gone out of business, I lost my job, gave away my couch, and I'm all out of Real Dolls to sell.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Around the Grid

Gorean Application Completed

Second Life resident Bunnypet Hugsalot finally completed her application to the Land of Snakes and Honey Gorean roleplay today. She finished reading seventy notecards, filled out fourteen separate forms, and agreed to install the Comet Cursor spyware virus in order to be permitted to wear the newbie outfit and proceed onto the sim.

She was promptly yelled at then ignored.

Second Life Reuters Says "Nothing Happened"

No Linden Lab CEOs were hired or fired, no money-wasting Fortune 500 corporate Frankenstein sims were created or destroyed, and John Stewart did not make fun of Second Life residents, Reuters reported today.

Congresswoman Still Searching for Al-Qaeda in Second Life

Although a think tank report suggested that the idea of terrorists using of Second Life was "kind of stupid," Congresswoman Jane Harman (D-CA) continued to search for terrorists in Second Life.

"Someone must remain vigilant," she said, while shoving tips down the panties of swaying naked dancers on Ecstasy Island. "Terrorists are lurking in the metaverse," she added later, while visiting a shemale cathouse. "I'll keep searching until I find them!" she said, while rubbing up naked against everyone in a freebie sex dungeon.


Monday, June 2, 2008

Ask a Second Life Bling Tard

Dear Second Life Bling Tard,
I think my SL boyfriend has a problem. He is more interested in his combat roleplay than he is in spending time with me. He is part of the Space Marines group and they spend a lot of time building, simming, and making new weapons and of course battles. It barely leaves any time for him to cuddle his kittycat! Mew! What should I do?
-- Pajamacat Springfield

Bring da noise! Dat's right! Rock it boyz and girlz! Put your hands up! Put your hands up! All right! This club ROCKS! You peeps r the greatest! Give me some HOWLZ!!! Wooooo! Hoowwwwl! party like a rock star!

Dear Second Life Bling Tard,
I just bought my first land here in Second Life. It's a nice little plot of 512 square meters. I put on it a new house on it that I made. Anyway my problem is my neighbors. They have put up the most ugly texture I ever seen it is animated and glowing and it hurts my eyes. I am afraid to file a report though what if the lindens say I am filing a false report I don't want to get banned. But this texture slows my pc it is very ugly.
-- Merry Masonry

Click my butt for the dance. Yeah hit the chim! Lets go come on every body! Say word! WORD! Come on tp in your friends and enemies 2! This party is just getting started! Did I hear a hell yeah? I cant hear you. Did I hear a HELL YEAH? That's what I'm talking about!

Dear Second Life Bling Tard,
Lately I find myself going to some of the shemale clubs in Second Life. The girls there are really hot, I mean same as the other girls, but just the thought of a little secrets hidden up in their panties, I don't know something about it just kind of excites me. Does this mean I'm gay?
-- Confused in Connecticut

Motha fukkas say word! We are going to dance until dawn! Woot! Woot! Let's get your hands in the air! Give it up for our fabulous DJ Spinner33, he's got hip hop up the yip yop! Put yo hands up for our dancers 2, ladyKay and Michaelmostest. MAKE SOME NOISE DOGS!!!

Coolguy25 is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, "Ask A Second Life Bling Tard," is published in such diverse and respected publications as Stars and Stripes and the Second Life Herald.


Sunday, June 1, 2008

Around the Grid

Newbie Escapes Orientation Island

Second Life newcomer Jacques Horowitz completed his tasks on Orientation Island and joined the Second Life community today, in spite of a baffling HUD jammed into his face and an incomprehensible inventory and clothing system that resulted in a wooden pyramid on his head.

He was the first new user in the last 1,000 that was not an alt or a bot that managed to escape the flaming pits of Satan.

Second Life Herald Embarrassing

The Second Life Herald today published an article that made no sense, sources reported. The article began with a poem about a sailboat, broke off into some mushy chat speak, and concluded with a histrionic warning about notecard hackers.

SL Avatars Deceptive, Journalist Declares

According to a new report by a highly paid tech journalist for a mainstream media corporation, avatars in Second Life aren't always what they seem.

"See that buxom blonde girl? Might be a guy," he reported. "That guy over there, six feet tall and flexing? He is probably overweight in first life."

The journalist was given additional air time to explain his amazing discoveries which nobody else on the whole Internets ever thought of or even considered before this shining genius came down from heaven on a ray of light and illuminated the darkness with his light bulbs of truth and lanterns of brilliancy.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Suddenly Kanomis, Thousands of Them

Once in a great while -- about as often as sunshine in the black abyss of Dick Cheney's arteries -- someone will wonder what my Second Life is like.

Some readers, having read me here, might labor under the illusion that my in-world life is nothing but a litany of crashes, lag, inventory problems, bannings, shootings, griefings, and inexplicable catgirl infestations. That there is no joy in Kanomi-land, so to speak. That I have been banished to some sort of perpetual Black Box nightclub on a lagged out sim full of Ruths and blingtards.

Let me hasten to clear up this misconception. My life in-world is a non-stop subway train full of schoolgirls and song & dance routines. I cannot even begin to describe it in words; I can only point to a Japanese music video featuring big band, matching unis, and lesbian overtures.

I don't know what they are saying and I don't know why it goes on for two extra unnecessary minutes, but you get the idea:

Suddenly Kanomis. Thousands of them.

Welcome to my Second Life.

Meow! *^^*

Friday, May 23, 2008

New Advertising Slogans for SL

We have received a leaked memo from an insider in Linden Lab, informing us that new CEO M Linden plans to replace the current slogan Your World, Your Imagination with something snappier.

According to our source, here are the leading contenders...

  • Try it again, we fixed it
  • Come Camp With Us
  • Listen to your Inner Perv
  • The un-Warcraft
  • Some of Our Best Women Are Men
  • Let your PC do the walking
  • Random ugly shit
  • Log in, turn on, lag out
  • Existence is suffering
  • Please don't squeeze the Excite-scripted bottoms
  • When you absolutely, positively have to grief
  • Strong enough for a man, but gentle enough for a fur
  • Can you hear me now? No.
  • We're like eBay + Match.com for the Sims!
  • 50,000 Catgirls Can't Be Wrong
  • Imaginary clothes for real people
and the winner...
  • Hey guys! Now you can fake an orgasm too!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

What's Your Take? - SL Turns 5

Second Life's fifth birthday is coming up on June 23. How will you celebrate?

Poseball occupant

Bunnypet Hugsalot
Neck model

Darkchylde Dagger
Griefer for hire
Hang around the newbie area in my birthday suit, offering "presents."Five years and still no polyamorous partner option? It is an outrage.The way I celebrate every day -- sniping.


Monday, May 19, 2008

Power Idling With M Linden

Commemorate the inauspicious arrival of the next CEO of the metaverse with your very own "Power Idling With M Linden" T-shirt.

Crafted by the award-winning designers of the Tiny Dancing Brand Center, this unique polycotton blend combines the quick-rezzing features of polyester with the sensual feel of virtual cotton.

Celebrate Second Life's diversity by choosing from our broad range of one color and one unisex size.

Perfect for groups who need an inexpensive option for conformity, or to wear for your next session to Linden office hours.

No child labor, bots, or campers were involved in the creation of this product, and to reduce our environmental impact on the metaverse, we will donate one blog post to the promotion of this product.

EDIT: If you do not have an SL Exchange account, you may acquire this t-shirt in-world at the not yet open for business Tiny Branding Dancing Center.


Saturday, May 17, 2008

Nintendo Announces New Pii-Wii™ Handheld Controller

Nintendo today revealed the next generation in interactive, handheld gaming devices: the Nintendo Pii-Wii™.

The Pii-Wii™ is a tactile, interactive controller that gives gamers a new level of gaming excitement. Besides featuring cutting edge force feedback technology that literally lets players feel the game come alive in their hand's, the unit's primary innovation is its ability to "morph" or physically change shape during gameplay.

"As the gamer uses the Pii-Wii™, the unit can transform itself in response to images on a screen or the way the player handles the device," explained Shigeru Miyamoto, developer of the Nintendo Pii-Wii™ handheld gaming device. "The unit can morph and elongate," he said, with the ability to grow from its initial state of 10 cm to a full potential of 15 cm when the unit is fully engaged."

In addition to sporting a unique, flexible design, the Nintendo Pii-Wii™ will be able to link up with other gaming devices, allowing users to participate in multi-player games and chat. Using a digital camera accessory, a game player can also record the resulting gameplay for later viewing.

"Adding communication features to a portable game system like the Pii-Wii™ is expected to result in new kinds of network entertainment," says Miyamoto. The Nintendo Pii-Wii™ is compatible with the Nintendo Buu-Tii™, referring to Nintendo's previously released handheld charging station.

"But for gamers without access to a Buu-Tii™, we have also built in the capability to link two or more Pii-Wii™ devices together," Miyamoto explained. "Four or more Pii-Wii's linked together is quite a party!"

Interest in the new unit among developers is high, with several new announced jointly with the Nintendo Pii-Wii™. Nintendo will publish Shigeru Miyamoto's Pii-Wii Party™ with each device and Electronic Arts will support the unit with Will Wright's Pee®. Vivendi Universal will support the unit with American McGee's Ron Jeremy's Circle Jerk.

The retail price point for the Nintendo Pii-Wii™ and its accessories has not yet been determined. The Nintendo Pii-Wii™ is slated for a premature release.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Rolling Restarts

It's important to read blog.secondlife.com every day! Sometimes you'll see a blog post they put up accidentally before it comes down and they fix it! Like this one, sent in by eagle-eyed TINY DANCING reader Darkchylde Daggerheart!


Rolling Restart for Part of the Grid, Some Time, Maybe, I Dunno

Hello small children.

LinusX Linden here. I have a Technical Announcement for you. Don't be scared! For you LSL "programmers" out there (LOL!) that means we is having rolling restarts on our servers. For you retarded art school dropouts, let me explain it in terms you might be able to grasp: UR WINDOZE PC MAYBE NO WORK NOW.

Or try and "picture" it this way, if you can put down the finger-paintings and sex clothes long enough to listen to a programmer and Libertarian: When your car stalls out, you get out and push with the brake off to start it again.

Of course, I just call Triple A because I am a highly-paid Network Management Administrator, and my hydro-electric Hydrogen Hybrid Diesel Ethanol SmartCar has zero mechanical difficulties thanks to its precision German engineering augmented by my unconventional "modifications" to its CPU and catalytic converter! LOL!

But all of you little people in your Toyota Camrys and Ford Explorers should be able relate to my above description as you sit in traffic, being programmed by the Mass Media to buy Kentucky Fried Dead Things and not to vote for Linus Torvalds, assuming your brains have not totally been atrophied by cell phones, television, and re-runs of "Friends."

For those whose brains have been entirely atrophied, here is a text message you may understand: SL DOWN. IS NO MORE RKELLY POZE BALLS 4 U. OH NOES!

Now comes the technical explanation. Those of you who wear "shoes" and have "jobs" and use "Windows" instead of rolling your own *nix kernel may safely skip the next part because you will never understand it before the heat death of the Universe:

This alleged proposed conditional rolling restart maybe won't possibly include a new server deploy, because we are reconfiguring the rollout reconfiguration from the asset servers, or to be more specific, we are retabulating the grid asset server data base pocket zeppelin stimulus package paycheck gangster computer god.

This will affect your server unless your green-eyed left-handed redheaded avatar is a 1.45 sims taller before and or if you check less than 3.003.33 (check under Properties > Avatars > Renders > Lookups > Tables > Displays > Weird Fucking Numbers rolling on the screen) and then by checking the server return address to see if it is a class 4 paladin region or a class 5 horde region because we use that outlet for the WOW connection.

So roll a programmatic million-sided dice and if it ends up over 233000 in Dog Years / Milliseconds times the speed of a hypothetical UFO outgassing anal fluid in tight orbit around the sun, then your avatar will be ruthed. So hearken.

"And a Childe shall be brought unto the circle, and, having its throat Stricken and its Tail sundered, it shall be offered to the dark gods with the words that ye Priest shall pronounce solemnly as he hurls salt over the shoulder of the left, and the shoulder of the right, and the testicle of the left, and the testicle of the right, and he shall recite:"


Thank you for your patience,

-LinusX Linden


Saturday, May 10, 2008

What's Your Take? - Human Avatars

According to this LA Times article, Sun Microsystems employees in Second Life have just one rule: they must use human avatars. What's your take?

Bunnypet Hugsalot
Professional partygoer

Ozma Sojourner
Slingo champion

Davros Prototype

Campbot Scripter
Lolita OK, Aslan of Narnia is not. Got it.I don't think Scott McNealy's nine foot schlong still counts as human.They must be great at World of Warcraft.


Thursday, May 8, 2008

Around the Grid

Original Artwork Purchased

An avatar purchased a framed painting today for 50L, sources indicated. The artwork was not a Boris Vallejo painting, Olivia print, Andy Warhol piece, Top 40 album art, Fantasy novel cover, Hollywood movie poster, or any other copyrighted, trademarked intellectual property, but an actual, original image drawn, painted, and uploaded by the creator.

Song Greeted Enthusiastically

DJ Crazycat Kringle urged the crowd to "make some noise" while playing Nelly's 'Party People' at the Black Box Nightclub last night, early reports suggest. The audience responded with enthusiasm, one member playing the "HOWLZ" gesture while another typed "Woot" into the chat window once or twice.

RezDay Celebrated

Surrounded by virtual acquaintances who do not know her in actual life, prim presents that cannot be traded for much-needed gasoline and groceries, and pixilated clothing that cannot be sold in the real world to offset rising mortgage payments on her one bedroom Florida condominium, Diane Cartwright, known as Gigglycat Tokugawa in Second Life, responded: "thx 4 gr8 prezzies" and "it means so much u bein here" while washing down another Zoloft with a swig of red, red wine.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Credit Crisis Not Impacting Virtual Stock Markets

In spite of an ongoing Wall Street credit crisis that has shaken equity values worldwide, virtual stock markets in Second Life have been completely unaffected, according to a new report issued Wednesday.

"People in Second Life are still putting real money into fake stock markets and losing it all," said Jonfromtexas Holiday, the author of the report. "Nothing has changed."

In the actual world, the collapse of the mortgage-backed securities market and hedge funds leveraging interest rate spreads, or 'alpha', has forced Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke into dramatic rate cuts and emergency measures not seen in generations. That has included a multi-billion dollar bailout of brokerage house Bear Stearns with taxpayer-guaranteed U.S. Treasury notes and a reduction of the core Fed Funds rate to 2%.

This news has had "zero impact" on virtual stock markets, according to Holiday's report. "Monetary easing has not influenced fake stock prices at all. Fake stocks are still difficult to trade, the fake exchanges are closed down after a couple months, and the principals quickly vanish, blaming hackers, software upgrades, or untimely accidents every time they disappear from the world.

"Speculators in these virtual stocks are promised unrealistically high rates of return by dubious companies with no articles of incorporation, no board of directors, no regulators, no listing standards, and rampant conflicts of interest," the report states.

"This kind of high yield investment scam can be used to steal from financially unsophisticated people, no matter what is happening in the real world."

Central bankers across the globe have taken on more than two hundred billion of dollars worth of mortgage backed securities onto their books as collateral for new loans to major financial institutions in an increasingly desperate attempt to offset the deflationary impact of housing declines and a sharp reduction in consumer spending.

That is the equivalent of more than fifty trillion (50,000,000,000,000) Lindens being injected into global financial markets, but this vast amount of money has had absolutely no influence on the actual value of virtual companies and fake stock markets whatsoever.

"In contrast, avatars have entrusted 50,000 Lindens to Ronin Piggington and his 'Metaversal Dreams Corporation," Holiday said. "That's about $200 US. Unfortunately, Ronin has vanished from Second Life after being eaten by lions, according to the last message posted on his Metaversal Dreams website by his 'brother.'

"Those avatars who 'invested' with him are not going to get their money no matter how much the Federal Reserve or the European Central Bank eases monetary policy in the face of the current crisis," Holiday said.

"Your Money, Your World, with Kanomi Pikajuna" is a weekly look at financial matters affecting your bottom line.

SL Fashion Police Deputized

As part of a new community outreach program, Linden Lab has granted special administrative powers to members of the Second Life Fashion Police, in effect 'deputizing' the staff of the popular fashion crimes blog.

"We have been looking to get more residents involved in the day-to-day running of Second Life," commented Katgirl Linden, Linden Lab's Assistant Manager of Blogposts. "After our successful 'mole' program in which creative builders were employed to build roads all around the grid, we were looking for another group of residents to get more involved in the community. The 'Police' were a natural fit."

Under the new ordinance, members of the SL Fashion Police will be authorized to warn, cite, and fine residents who are in violation of good taste on the public grid. In extreme cases, such as nudity in a PG area, bling at weddings, or an impossibly gigantic ass, the offenders may even be caged, ejected or banned.

"We're really excited to be working with the Lindens on this project," said Sgt. Natalya Agincourt of the SL Fashion Police. "We know they're getting more Abuse Reports about inappropriate fashion than they can handle, so we're happy to help out."

Members of the SL Fashion Police will be issued special, extremely tasteful uniforms, created by a cadre of top fashion designers.



Monday, May 5, 2008

SL Grid Status Reports

Recently Linden Lab has moved the Second Life Grid Status Reports into its own area away from the main SL blog.

While most of these reports are technical in nature, rest assured that Tiny Dancing will monitor these issues daily and bring the most interesting and relevant to your attention without hesitation or delay.

[RESOLVED] Partnership not working correctly

We’re currently aware of a problem with the Partnership feature for avatars Philnew McBride and Bunnypet Hugsalot. It seems there is an issue where Philnew created an alt to date Bunnypet's best friend Creamycat Tizzy and Bunnypet found out and they muted each other and broke up. We are investigating and will post updates as needed. Thank you for your patience.

[UPDATE] These issues have been resolved. Philnew said he was sorry and he has promised never to do it again and Bunnypet has forgiven him. Thank you for your patience.

[RESOLVED] In-World Communication Issues

The 'Black Box Nightclub' group chat channel is currently experiencing an excessive load caused by the mention of a clothing sale at an unrelated merchant. While this is being looked into, please avoid activities such as speaking on the Black Box Nightclub group chat channel.

[UPDATE] It is not necessary to refer to the original chatter as a spammer.
[UPDATE] Calling the person who called the original chatter a spammer is also spamming.
[UPDATE] No it's not dumbass.
[UPDATE] Yes it is numbnutz.
[UPDATE] Will you all plz just stfu?
[UPDATE] GROUP NOTICE: These issues have been resolved. Anyone who ever chats on the Black Box Nightclub group chat channel ever again for any reason, even to beg someone please to call an ambulance because of a goddamned heart attack, that person will be kicked out of the group and added to the Black Box Nightclub Ban List forever.

Thank you, BBN Management Team.

[RESOLVED] Lecture Uninteresting

We are receiving multiple reports from residents that the in-world lecture "Deconstructing the Metaversal Metanomic Body Politic" is "turgid shite" and "grad skool copypasta." We advise residents not to try and teleport into the event at this time.

[UPDATE] The lecture has been removed from the Events Calendar. Thank you for your patience.

[RESOLVED] Transaction History embarrassing

We are currently investigating an issue in which Coolguy25 consumed large quantities of wine coolers last night and spent $5000L on dungeon equipment, which is way more than he can afford and besides his apartment can only hold 36 prims and the Swing-N-Spank by itself is 48 prims, and it's all kind of useless since his girlfriend doesn't log in anymore anyway and what the hell was he thinking, god his head hurts and shit, he really needs to piss.

[UPDATE] Resolved. The vendor has agreed to refund the Swing-N-Spank but not the other items, and Coolguy25 has upgraded to a premium account, a primmier apartment, and a cold shower.


Thursday, May 1, 2008

What's Your Take? - Campers & Bots

Linden Lab is getting rid of traffic rules that favor campers and bots in favor of a hand-picked, editorial showcase of locations. What's your take?

Retired camper

Philnew McBride
Unemployed CEO

Darkchylde Daggerheart
Highway designer
They will never take away my memories of sitting in a chair ... and sitting in a chair ... and sitting in a chair ...Damn, there goes my seed money for High School Musical inSL.If Linden Lab wants to mature as a platform it must showcase the individual creative contributions of multinational corporations.


Tiny Dancing Events Calendar For May

As part of our ongoing commitment to bring you the best coverage possible of the metaverse, we are pleased to offer you our editors' choices for the most interesting and most important events for May.

Office Hours
May, TBD, the Organic Temple of Mephisto
New CEO "M Linden" shall briefly dignify the world with his presence when he deigns fit. Although he shall be AFK during this time, your beseeching, lamenting, and teeth-gnashing shall be logged, and one Wish shall be granted to the petitioner who is most humble and pleasing to the infernal majesty of His ears.

Cinco de Mayo
May 5, all day, Isla del Sol Sim
To celebrate the young Republic of Mexico's victory over an invading French army at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, avatar Homer Delgado is giving away exploding piñata boobs.

Sigmund Freud's Birthday
May 6, all day, Vienna Institute for International Freudianism
Get coked up and come on down! The Institute is submitting free chatbot psychoanalysis all month long, plus complimentary Archetype Pipes for the guys and for you girls, naughty Freudian Slips are half off.

"Hill-blazers" Whistle Stop
May 11, 9 PM, Club Cherri Red
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will make a surprise appearance at Club Cherri Red in order to shore up the base among her core constituency: transgendered online prostitutes. Photography will not be permitted except on the provided "shaking hands" poseballs please.

Best Catgirl Marathon
May 1 - 31, Black Box Nightclub
The Black Box Nightclub will be holding 744 back-to-back one hour "Best Catgirl" competitions for a grand prize of $500L. Catcalls, caterwauling and catfights will not be permitted except in the specially marked catbox. Mew! ^n_n^

Monday, April 28, 2008

What's Your Take? - SL's Dire Future

Mitch Wagner of Information Week recently called the financial future of Linden Lab "dire." What's your take?

Mitsubishi McGee
Notecard Spammer

Ozma Sojourner
Mermaid Fetishist

Davros Prototype
Stripclub connoisseur
Why don't the Lindens quit fooling around and get themselves some jobs? Anshe Chung hires coders that are willing to work.If Second Life goes bankrupt, I'll just go back to my first love, my husband.There is only one answer to all of life's little problems: more catgirl.


Sunday, April 27, 2008

I Am Iron Man

IN THIS ISSUE: Kanomi sells out to a major Hollywood hype machine in a desperate attempt to earn more Lindens!

Marvel Comics and Sony Pictures and Stark Enterprises and whoever else is involved in shilling the new Iron Man movie is forcing Second Life residents to humiliate themselves in an Iron Man outfit by dangling a 125,000 Linden prize in front of their greedy, cash-starved campers' hearts.

Well Doctor Doom, it worked. Since that's like, $400 in real life, or enough money for a couple of trips to the gas station, I of coursed entered the contest.

Suck it up candycane, this is the future of the Metaverse. This is why visionary Linden Labs founder and CEO Philip "Philip Linden" Rosedale was replaced by an online vegetable salesman named "M Linden."

The M stands for Mephistopholes, an old Sanskrit word that means Marketing.

For the record, here is my cheesy contest entry. I consider it a postmodernist ironic commentary on the commercialization of the Iron Man ethos. I hope it wins and it gets printed up on ten thousand T-shirts to be sold to fat tourists at the airport, along with the I NY bumper stickers and Elliot Spitzer Commemorative condoms (special flavor: shame).

Iron Man was going to pose atop the virtual Twin Towers, but he couldn't fly up that high. I am just not Iron Man material, I guess.


TONY STARK / IRON MAN - Philip "Philip Linden" Rosedale


REZBIAN - Kanomi Pikajuna

OFF STAGE VOICE - Bunnypet Hugsalot

TONY DANZA - Tony Danza

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

What's Your Take? - New CEO

Linden Labs has announced the hiring of its new CEO, an ad executive from organic.com who will go by the in-world name of "M Linden". What's your take?

Bling enthusiast


Hair model


Primcock sculptor
I am cautiously optimistic. I ordered some asparagus from organic.com one time, and it arrived crisp and on time.I have sent "M" a group invite to my Story of O themed bondage simulation.So they hired somebody with no experience keeping complicated networks with tens of thousands of concurrent users up and running?

Great, he'll fit right in.