Around the Grid

More User Tracking, Says Lindens

Linden Lab is seeking more ways to identify users, the company said today. Currently, users can have their payment details on file, their age verified, and their names added to the new Content Creator Registry. But the Lab plans more, it said.

"We're exploring a Gender Verification System, a DNA Registry, and an in-world Vehicle Driver's License system," said Catgirl Linden, a company spokesbeing. "To be followed up by RFID chipping, GPS tracking, and urinalysis.

"This will culminate in mass confinement in Kapor-Kurzweil Singularity camps, where all avatars will be merged into the final, emergent Cyber Omni-Mind."


Podcast Downloaded

A Second Life-related podcast was downloaded and listened to by an avatar named Burlywolf Whirlagig today, sources indicated. The recording began with an audio snippet from Family Guy, followed by an oral recap of Philip Linden's Twitter stream.

Next, two Podcasters and an inaudible stream of possibly extraterrestrial static began an unprepared discussion about eCommerce as it applies to breeding catgirls.

The podcast was halted at 20:15, following the third mention of the soporific term 'metanomics.'


Man Realizes Girlfriend Also Man

Dismayed avatar Coolguy25 has realized that his girlfriend Creamycat Tizzy is almost certainly also male in first life.

"I should've known by her impossibly hot IRL pix, refusal to use voice, and her total ignorance about shoe, dress, and bra sizes, but I had hoped this time was different," he said.

"But come on; even I know there's no such thing as an F5 Cup."

Coolguy's moment of clarity came after a lengthy discussion about the need for the New York Mets to bolster its starting rotation if they want to salvage anything this season, followed by a heated debate about the optimal key-bindings for World of Warcraft raids.

Around the Grid

Prim Baby Returned to Inventory

An abandoned infant left on the lot of the Black Box Night Club was returned to its owner's inventory automatically. There it will stay in the Lost & Found until it is found next week, when it will briefly be displayed at a pool party for general merriment, before being lost again.


Supreme Court Overturns Furry Marriage

In a split 5 to 4 decision, the Supreme Court overturned the marriage of Bunnypet Hugsalot and Fuzzy Lumpkin, ruling that a Second Life handfasting union between a woman and an anthropormphic draco-kitsune was not legally binding in the eyes of the law.


Ginko Financial Now Less Worthless Than CitiGroup

The value of Ginko Financial, a collapsed Second Life pyramid scheme that vanished after taking $750,000 worth of investors money, is now less worthless than CitiGroup, a global financial services conglomerate whose $5.4 billion market value has been exceeded by the more than a hundred billion dollars of government bailout money it has received, let alone the incalculable trillions of dollars of off balance sheet derivatives this den of thieves and gangsters has yet to dump on taxpayers.


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Gorean Application Completed

Second Life resident Bunnypet Hugsalot finally completed her application to the Land of Snakes and Honey Gorean roleplay today. She finished reading seventy notecards, filled out fourteen separate forms, and agreed to install the Comet Cursor spyware virus in order to be permitted to wear the newbie outfit and proceed onto the sim.

She was promptly yelled at then ignored.


Second Life Reuters Says "Nothing Happened"

No Linden Lab CEOs were hired or fired, no money-wasting Fortune 500 corporate Frankenstein sims were created or destroyed, and John Stewart did not make fun of Second Life residents, Reuters reported today.


Congresswoman Still Searching for Al-Qaeda in Second Life

Although a think tank report suggested that the idea of terrorists using of Second Life was "kind of stupid," Congresswoman Jane Harman (D-CA) continued to search for terrorists in Second Life.

"Someone must remain vigilant," she said, while shoving tips down the panties of swaying naked dancers on Ecstasy Island. "Terrorists are lurking in the metaverse," she added later, while visiting a shemale cathouse. "I'll keep searching until I find them!" she said, while rubbing up naked against everyone in a freebie sex dungeon.


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Newbie Escapes Orientation Island

Second Life newcomer Jacques Horowitz completed his tasks on Orientation Island and joined the Second Life community today, in spite of a baffling HUD jammed into his face and an incomprehensible inventory and clothing system that resulted in a wooden pyramid on his head.

He was the first new user in the last 1,000 that was not an alt or a bot that managed to escape the flaming pits of Satan.


Second Life Herald Embarrassing

The Second Life Herald today published an article that made no sense, sources reported. The article began with a poem about a sailboat, broke off into some mushy chat speak, and concluded with a histrionic warning about notecard hackers.


SL Avatars Deceptive, Journalist Declares

According to a new report by a highly paid tech journalist for a mainstream media corporation, avatars in Second Life aren't always what they seem.

"See that buxom blonde girl? Might be a guy," he reported. "That guy over there, six feet tall and flexing? He is probably overweight in first life."

The journalist was given additional air time to explain his amazing discoveries which nobody else on the whole Internets ever thought of or even considered before this shining genius came down from heaven on a ray of light and illuminated the darkness with his light bulbs of truth and lanterns of brilliancy.

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Original Artwork Purchased

An avatar purchased a framed painting today for 50L, sources indicated. The artwork was not a Boris Vallejo painting, Olivia print, Andy Warhol piece, Top 40 album art, Fantasy novel cover, Hollywood movie poster, or any other copyrighted, trademarked intellectual property, but an actual, original image drawn, painted, and uploaded by the creator.


Song Greeted Enthusiastically

DJ Crazycat Kringle urged the crowd to "make some noise" while playing Nelly's 'Party People' at the Black Box Nightclub last night, early reports suggest. The audience responded with enthusiasm, one member playing the "HOWLZ" gesture while another typed "Woot" into the chat window once or twice.


RezDay Celebrated

Surrounded by virtual acquaintances who do not know her in actual life, prim presents that cannot be traded for much-needed gasoline and groceries, and pixilated clothing that cannot be sold in the real world to offset rising mortgage payments on her one bedroom Florida condominium, Diane Cartwright, known as Gigglycat Tokugawa in Second Life, responded: "thx 4 gr8 prezzies" and "it means so much u bein here" while washing down another Zoloft with a swig of red, red wine.