Kanomi's Klassroom

Dear Kanomi's Klassroom,

What is this 'cloud computing' I keep hearing about? And how will it affect Second Life?

- Confused in Caledon


Dear Confused,

Different kinds of computers are made by competing companies, just like Prada and Coach make different purses.

Microsoft makes the Windows Computers and Apples makes the Apples Computers. A man named Linus Torvalds makes the Linus computers. And now Google is making the Cloud Computers you asked about.

Cloud Computers aren't for sale yet because I've never seen them on TV. Doesn't matter though, because Second Life doesn't support Cloudy Computers. So you do not want them. Do not want the Cloud Computers.

Just use Windows or Apples. Windows is a good choice if you are an experienced computer guru like me. Just type your blog right into the boxes or 'windows' as we web programmers call them.

And Apples is a good choice if you have a goatee.


Dear Kanomi's Klassroom,

My Second Life experience is laggy and slow, but when I go into the menus to adjust my settings, I am overwhelmed. Can you help?

- Lagging in the Lab


Dear Lagging,

What's ruining your Second Life is Lag. Go to the Help Menu and turn on your Lag Meter. It will look like a traffic light, except the three lights are on at the same time!

Uh oh! Ding ding ding! Mixed reality metaphor! But don't be confused by it. It works just like traffic school!

If all of the lights are green, you are good to go! Welcome to the future, big band user! You can now roar down the information superhighway in your flying car!

If some of the lights are yellow, slow down and use caution. Try to hold perfectly still and not do anything for a while, like Windows Vista.

If the lights still don't turn green, try installing the patches. The patches can be found on the Microsoft.

If they are red, then you have lots of lag. Ask the people around you to leave. Their thick hair has too many prims and causes lag for you. Here's a great tip for less lag: be friends with more bald people.

Another tip is to go somewhere where there are no avatars and nothing interesting, like the IBM region.

Your Take - Malicious Clients

Hackers are distributing a password-stealing Second Life client purportedly created by popular metaverse blogger Gwyneth Llewellyn. What's your take?

Friendly Buttons Virtual podcaster	Darkchylde Daggerheart Credentials collector	Coolguy25 Phishing victim
They had to steal Gwyn's name, because nobody would install a client created by Wagner James Au.	I prefer to swipe passwords the old-fashioned way, through social engineering. By the way, what was your pet's maiden name in high school?	Hello friend conference! I am a Nigerian prince seeking helpful money order of ten thousands of usa dollars to activate a Great Fortune!

Rolling Restarts

It's important to read blog.secondlife.com every day! Sometimes you'll see a blog post they put up accidentally before it comes down and they fix it! Like this one, sent in by eagle-eyed TINY DANCING reader Darkchylde Daggerheart!

-Kanomi

Rolling Restart for Part of the Grid, Some Time, Maybe, I Dunno


Hello small children.

LinusX Linden here. I have a Technical Announcement for you. Don't be scared! For you LSL "programmers" out there (LOL!) that means we is having rolling restarts on our servers. For you retarded art school dropouts, let me explain it in terms you might be able to grasp: UR WINDOZE PC MAYBE NO WORK NOW.

Or try and "picture" it this way, if you can put down the finger-paintings and sex clothes long enough to listen to a programmer and Libertarian: When your car stalls out, you get out and push with the brake off to start it again.

Of course, I just call Triple A because I am a highly-paid Network Management Administrator, and my hydro-electric Hydrogen Hybrid Diesel Ethanol SmartCar has zero mechanical difficulties thanks to its precision German engineering augmented by my unconventional "modifications" to its CPU and catalytic converter! LOL!

But all of you little people in your Toyota Camrys and Ford Explorers should be able relate to my above description as you sit in traffic, being programmed by the Mass Media to buy Kentucky Fried Dead Things and not to vote for Linus Torvalds, assuming your brains have not totally been atrophied by cell phones, television, and re-runs of "Friends."

For those whose brains have been entirely atrophied, here is a text message you may understand: SL DOWN. IS NO MORE RKELLY POZE BALLS 4 U. OH NOES!

Now comes the technical explanation. Those of you who wear "shoes" and have "jobs" and use "Windows" instead of rolling your own *nix kernel may safely skip the next part because you will never understand it before the heat death of the Universe:

This alleged proposed conditional rolling restart maybe won't possibly include a new server deploy, because we are reconfiguring the rollout reconfiguration from the asset servers, or to be more specific, we are retabulating the grid asset server data base pocket zeppelin stimulus package paycheck gangster computer god.

This will affect your server unless your green-eyed left-handed redheaded avatar is a 1.45 sims taller before and or if you check less than 3.003.33 (check under Properties > Avatars > Renders > Lookups > Tables > Displays > Weird Fucking Numbers rolling on the screen) and then by checking the server return address to see if it is a class 4 paladin region or a class 5 horde region because we use that outlet for the WOW connection.

So roll a programmatic million-sided dice and if it ends up over 233000 in Dog Years / Milliseconds times the speed of a hypothetical UFO outgassing anal fluid in tight orbit around the sun, then your avatar will be ruthed. So hearken.

"And a Childe shall be brought unto the circle, and, having its throat Stricken and its Tail sundered, it shall be offered to the dark gods with the words that ye Priest shall pronounce solemnly as he hurls salt over the shoulder of the left, and the shoulder of the right, and the testicle of the left, and the testicle of the right, and he shall recite:"

IA IA! RLYEH
WGET HTTP://KERNEL.ORG/PUB/LIN/KUTULU/KUTULU-2.6.9.TAR.BZ3
IA IA! KUTULU
TAR XVJF KUTULU-2.6.9.TAR.BZ3
SERVICE -F KUTULU

Thank you for your patience,

-LinusX Linden


:o

Baby, We Can Work Things Out

"We are experiencing various inworld issues at this time, such as region down, logins failure, transactions, teleporting, timeouts on the webpage etc.

"We are aware of this problem and are working to resolve this as quickly as possible. Please refrain from any transactions at this time, as possible."


Baby, I know we can work things out. I know you can get a little stressed on the weekend. There's a lot of pressure on you. Everyone wants a piece of you. You get a little slow, a little angry.

But sugarchips, don't start throwing my inventory around. Come on honeyboard, treat me right. Don't drop me off in a place and refuse to come teleport me out.

We all got issues sweet-sockets. We can work these things out. Baby-byte, I was just looking at that other site, I swear. Just looking baby. Cutie-port, I could never go over "there." You know that, right?

Come on honey-core, don't be like that. You know you're my loving login, my sugar ping. There's nobody but you, you're my sweet Second thang.


Oh baby, did you have to go and change clients on me?

Oops, They Did It Again

Second Life has been deader than non-prim hairstyles the last two days. Now you might say, 'Well of course dummy, it's the weekend!' but to those of with no Real Lives except to work hard every week during Work Life, the weekends were made for Second Life -- although maybe we should call it Third Life!

Anyway...what I am trying to say is, SL was unusually quiet, ever since they did another unnecessary, useless client update. Why Mr. Linden every single time I get one of your 12 new client updates every month do all my preferences get erased and I have to take the tutorial over and over! Kanomi knows where her inventory is! It's in her pocket, and it's full of boxes and shoes!

Apparently I am not the only one with problems. The new client baffled even many experienced SLifers! Some of them reported they could not find the new client icon. Others said it was in a new path and now they are on the wrong client and told to download the new one over and over! Others had trouble making it work...and those just the ones who even made it on last night that I could talk to!

Please Mr. Linden, make public clients only once per quarter, always put them in the same directory and path the user has already created, and use the same desktop shortcuts for them to easily find the game!

We do not need even more people leaving Second Life because your sloppy software releases confuse and scare the poor nice people who want to visit a Kanomi!