Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Suddenly Kanomis, Thousands of Them

Once in a great while -- about as often as sunshine in the black abyss of Dick Cheney's arteries -- someone will wonder what my Second Life is like.

Some readers, having read me here, might labor under the illusion that my in-world life is nothing but a litany of crashes, lag, inventory problems, bannings, shootings, griefings, and inexplicable catgirl infestations. That there is no joy in Kanomi-land, so to speak. That I have been banished to some sort of perpetual Black Box nightclub on a lagged out sim full of Ruths and blingtards.

Let me hasten to clear up this misconception. My life in-world is a non-stop subway train full of schoolgirls and song & dance routines. I cannot even begin to describe it in words; I can only point to a Japanese music video featuring big band, matching unis, and lesbian overtures.

I don't know what they are saying and I don't know why it goes on for two extra unnecessary minutes, but you get the idea:

Suddenly Kanomis. Thousands of them.

Welcome to my Second Life.

Meow! *^^*

Friday, May 23, 2008

New Advertising Slogans for SL

We have received a leaked memo from an insider in Linden Lab, informing us that new CEO M Linden plans to replace the current slogan Your World, Your Imagination with something snappier.

According to our source, here are the leading contenders...

  • Try it again, we fixed it
  • Come Camp With Us
  • Listen to your Inner Perv
  • The un-Warcraft
  • Some of Our Best Women Are Men
  • Let your PC do the walking
  • Random ugly shit
  • Log in, turn on, lag out
  • Existence is suffering
  • Please don't squeeze the Excite-scripted bottoms
  • When you absolutely, positively have to grief
  • Strong enough for a man, but gentle enough for a fur
  • Can you hear me now? No.
  • We're like eBay + Match.com for the Sims!
  • 50,000 Catgirls Can't Be Wrong
  • Imaginary clothes for real people
and the winner...
  • Hey guys! Now you can fake an orgasm too!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

What's Your Take? - SL Turns 5

Second Life's fifth birthday is coming up on June 23. How will you celebrate?

Poseball occupant

Bunnypet Hugsalot
Neck model

Darkchylde Dagger
Griefer for hire
Hang around the newbie area in my birthday suit, offering "presents."Five years and still no polyamorous partner option? It is an outrage.The way I celebrate every day -- sniping.


Monday, May 19, 2008

Power Idling With M Linden

Commemorate the inauspicious arrival of the next CEO of the metaverse with your very own "Power Idling With M Linden" T-shirt.

Crafted by the award-winning designers of the Tiny Dancing Brand Center, this unique polycotton blend combines the quick-rezzing features of polyester with the sensual feel of virtual cotton.

Celebrate Second Life's diversity by choosing from our broad range of one color and one unisex size.

Perfect for groups who need an inexpensive option for conformity, or to wear for your next session to Linden office hours.

No child labor, bots, or campers were involved in the creation of this product, and to reduce our environmental impact on the metaverse, we will donate one blog post to the promotion of this product.

EDIT: If you do not have an SL Exchange account, you may acquire this t-shirt in-world at the not yet open for business Tiny Branding Dancing Center.


Saturday, May 17, 2008

Nintendo Announces New Pii-Wii™ Handheld Controller

Nintendo today revealed the next generation in interactive, handheld gaming devices: the Nintendo Pii-Wii™.

The Pii-Wii™ is a tactile, interactive controller that gives gamers a new level of gaming excitement. Besides featuring cutting edge force feedback technology that literally lets players feel the game come alive in their hand's, the unit's primary innovation is its ability to "morph" or physically change shape during gameplay.

"As the gamer uses the Pii-Wii™, the unit can transform itself in response to images on a screen or the way the player handles the device," explained Shigeru Miyamoto, developer of the Nintendo Pii-Wii™ handheld gaming device. "The unit can morph and elongate," he said, with the ability to grow from its initial state of 10 cm to a full potential of 15 cm when the unit is fully engaged."

In addition to sporting a unique, flexible design, the Nintendo Pii-Wii™ will be able to link up with other gaming devices, allowing users to participate in multi-player games and chat. Using a digital camera accessory, a game player can also record the resulting gameplay for later viewing.

"Adding communication features to a portable game system like the Pii-Wii™ is expected to result in new kinds of network entertainment," says Miyamoto. The Nintendo Pii-Wii™ is compatible with the Nintendo Buu-Tii™, referring to Nintendo's previously released handheld charging station.

"But for gamers without access to a Buu-Tii™, we have also built in the capability to link two or more Pii-Wii™ devices together," Miyamoto explained. "Four or more Pii-Wii's linked together is quite a party!"

Interest in the new unit among developers is high, with several new announced jointly with the Nintendo Pii-Wii™. Nintendo will publish Shigeru Miyamoto's Pii-Wii Party™ with each device and Electronic Arts will support the unit with Will Wright's Pee®. Vivendi Universal will support the unit with American McGee's Ron Jeremy's Circle Jerk.

The retail price point for the Nintendo Pii-Wii™ and its accessories has not yet been determined. The Nintendo Pii-Wii™ is slated for a premature release.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Rolling Restarts

It's important to read blog.secondlife.com every day! Sometimes you'll see a blog post they put up accidentally before it comes down and they fix it! Like this one, sent in by eagle-eyed TINY DANCING reader Darkchylde Daggerheart!


Rolling Restart for Part of the Grid, Some Time, Maybe, I Dunno

Hello small children.

LinusX Linden here. I have a Technical Announcement for you. Don't be scared! For you LSL "programmers" out there (LOL!) that means we is having rolling restarts on our servers. For you retarded art school dropouts, let me explain it in terms you might be able to grasp: UR WINDOZE PC MAYBE NO WORK NOW.

Or try and "picture" it this way, if you can put down the finger-paintings and sex clothes long enough to listen to a programmer and Libertarian: When your car stalls out, you get out and push with the brake off to start it again.

Of course, I just call Triple A because I am a highly-paid Network Management Administrator, and my hydro-electric Hydrogen Hybrid Diesel Ethanol SmartCar has zero mechanical difficulties thanks to its precision German engineering augmented by my unconventional "modifications" to its CPU and catalytic converter! LOL!

But all of you little people in your Toyota Camrys and Ford Explorers should be able relate to my above description as you sit in traffic, being programmed by the Mass Media to buy Kentucky Fried Dead Things and not to vote for Linus Torvalds, assuming your brains have not totally been atrophied by cell phones, television, and re-runs of "Friends."

For those whose brains have been entirely atrophied, here is a text message you may understand: SL DOWN. IS NO MORE RKELLY POZE BALLS 4 U. OH NOES!

Now comes the technical explanation. Those of you who wear "shoes" and have "jobs" and use "Windows" instead of rolling your own *nix kernel may safely skip the next part because you will never understand it before the heat death of the Universe:

This alleged proposed conditional rolling restart maybe won't possibly include a new server deploy, because we are reconfiguring the rollout reconfiguration from the asset servers, or to be more specific, we are retabulating the grid asset server data base pocket zeppelin stimulus package paycheck gangster computer god.

This will affect your server unless your green-eyed left-handed redheaded avatar is a 1.45 sims taller before and or if you check less than 3.003.33 (check under Properties > Avatars > Renders > Lookups > Tables > Displays > Weird Fucking Numbers rolling on the screen) and then by checking the server return address to see if it is a class 4 paladin region or a class 5 horde region because we use that outlet for the WOW connection.

So roll a programmatic million-sided dice and if it ends up over 233000 in Dog Years / Milliseconds times the speed of a hypothetical UFO outgassing anal fluid in tight orbit around the sun, then your avatar will be ruthed. So hearken.

"And a Childe shall be brought unto the circle, and, having its throat Stricken and its Tail sundered, it shall be offered to the dark gods with the words that ye Priest shall pronounce solemnly as he hurls salt over the shoulder of the left, and the shoulder of the right, and the testicle of the left, and the testicle of the right, and he shall recite:"


Thank you for your patience,

-LinusX Linden


Saturday, May 10, 2008

What's Your Take? - Human Avatars

According to this LA Times article, Sun Microsystems employees in Second Life have just one rule: they must use human avatars. What's your take?

Bunnypet Hugsalot
Professional partygoer

Ozma Sojourner
Slingo champion

Davros Prototype

Campbot Scripter
Lolita OK, Aslan of Narnia is not. Got it.I don't think Scott McNealy's nine foot schlong still counts as human.They must be great at World of Warcraft.


Thursday, May 8, 2008

Around the Grid

Original Artwork Purchased

An avatar purchased a framed painting today for 50L, sources indicated. The artwork was not a Boris Vallejo painting, Olivia print, Andy Warhol piece, Top 40 album art, Fantasy novel cover, Hollywood movie poster, or any other copyrighted, trademarked intellectual property, but an actual, original image drawn, painted, and uploaded by the creator.

Song Greeted Enthusiastically

DJ Crazycat Kringle urged the crowd to "make some noise" while playing Nelly's 'Party People' at the Black Box Nightclub last night, early reports suggest. The audience responded with enthusiasm, one member playing the "HOWLZ" gesture while another typed "Woot" into the chat window once or twice.

RezDay Celebrated

Surrounded by virtual acquaintances who do not know her in actual life, prim presents that cannot be traded for much-needed gasoline and groceries, and pixilated clothing that cannot be sold in the real world to offset rising mortgage payments on her one bedroom Florida condominium, Diane Cartwright, known as Gigglycat Tokugawa in Second Life, responded: "thx 4 gr8 prezzies" and "it means so much u bein here" while washing down another Zoloft with a swig of red, red wine.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Credit Crisis Not Impacting Virtual Stock Markets

In spite of an ongoing Wall Street credit crisis that has shaken equity values worldwide, virtual stock markets in Second Life have been completely unaffected, according to a new report issued Wednesday.

"People in Second Life are still putting real money into fake stock markets and losing it all," said Jonfromtexas Holiday, the author of the report. "Nothing has changed."

In the actual world, the collapse of the mortgage-backed securities market and hedge funds leveraging interest rate spreads, or 'alpha', has forced Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke into dramatic rate cuts and emergency measures not seen in generations. That has included a multi-billion dollar bailout of brokerage house Bear Stearns with taxpayer-guaranteed U.S. Treasury notes and a reduction of the core Fed Funds rate to 2%.

This news has had "zero impact" on virtual stock markets, according to Holiday's report. "Monetary easing has not influenced fake stock prices at all. Fake stocks are still difficult to trade, the fake exchanges are closed down after a couple months, and the principals quickly vanish, blaming hackers, software upgrades, or untimely accidents every time they disappear from the world.

"Speculators in these virtual stocks are promised unrealistically high rates of return by dubious companies with no articles of incorporation, no board of directors, no regulators, no listing standards, and rampant conflicts of interest," the report states.

"This kind of high yield investment scam can be used to steal from financially unsophisticated people, no matter what is happening in the real world."

Central bankers across the globe have taken on more than two hundred billion of dollars worth of mortgage backed securities onto their books as collateral for new loans to major financial institutions in an increasingly desperate attempt to offset the deflationary impact of housing declines and a sharp reduction in consumer spending.

That is the equivalent of more than fifty trillion (50,000,000,000,000) Lindens being injected into global financial markets, but this vast amount of money has had absolutely no influence on the actual value of virtual companies and fake stock markets whatsoever.

"In contrast, avatars have entrusted 50,000 Lindens to Ronin Piggington and his 'Metaversal Dreams Corporation," Holiday said. "That's about $200 US. Unfortunately, Ronin has vanished from Second Life after being eaten by lions, according to the last message posted on his Metaversal Dreams website by his 'brother.'

"Those avatars who 'invested' with him are not going to get their money no matter how much the Federal Reserve or the European Central Bank eases monetary policy in the face of the current crisis," Holiday said.

"Your Money, Your World, with Kanomi Pikajuna" is a weekly look at financial matters affecting your bottom line.

SL Fashion Police Deputized

As part of a new community outreach program, Linden Lab has granted special administrative powers to members of the Second Life Fashion Police, in effect 'deputizing' the staff of the popular fashion crimes blog.

"We have been looking to get more residents involved in the day-to-day running of Second Life," commented Katgirl Linden, Linden Lab's Assistant Manager of Blogposts. "After our successful 'mole' program in which creative builders were employed to build roads all around the grid, we were looking for another group of residents to get more involved in the community. The 'Police' were a natural fit."

Under the new ordinance, members of the SL Fashion Police will be authorized to warn, cite, and fine residents who are in violation of good taste on the public grid. In extreme cases, such as nudity in a PG area, bling at weddings, or an impossibly gigantic ass, the offenders may even be caged, ejected or banned.

"We're really excited to be working with the Lindens on this project," said Sgt. Natalya Agincourt of the SL Fashion Police. "We know they're getting more Abuse Reports about inappropriate fashion than they can handle, so we're happy to help out."

Members of the SL Fashion Police will be issued special, extremely tasteful uniforms, created by a cadre of top fashion designers.



Monday, May 5, 2008

SL Grid Status Reports

Recently Linden Lab has moved the Second Life Grid Status Reports into its own area away from the main SL blog.

While most of these reports are technical in nature, rest assured that Tiny Dancing will monitor these issues daily and bring the most interesting and relevant to your attention without hesitation or delay.

[RESOLVED] Partnership not working correctly

We’re currently aware of a problem with the Partnership feature for avatars Philnew McBride and Bunnypet Hugsalot. It seems there is an issue where Philnew created an alt to date Bunnypet's best friend Creamycat Tizzy and Bunnypet found out and they muted each other and broke up. We are investigating and will post updates as needed. Thank you for your patience.

[UPDATE] These issues have been resolved. Philnew said he was sorry and he has promised never to do it again and Bunnypet has forgiven him. Thank you for your patience.

[RESOLVED] In-World Communication Issues

The 'Black Box Nightclub' group chat channel is currently experiencing an excessive load caused by the mention of a clothing sale at an unrelated merchant. While this is being looked into, please avoid activities such as speaking on the Black Box Nightclub group chat channel.

[UPDATE] It is not necessary to refer to the original chatter as a spammer.
[UPDATE] Calling the person who called the original chatter a spammer is also spamming.
[UPDATE] No it's not dumbass.
[UPDATE] Yes it is numbnutz.
[UPDATE] Will you all plz just stfu?
[UPDATE] GROUP NOTICE: These issues have been resolved. Anyone who ever chats on the Black Box Nightclub group chat channel ever again for any reason, even to beg someone please to call an ambulance because of a goddamned heart attack, that person will be kicked out of the group and added to the Black Box Nightclub Ban List forever.

Thank you, BBN Management Team.

[RESOLVED] Lecture Uninteresting

We are receiving multiple reports from residents that the in-world lecture "Deconstructing the Metaversal Metanomic Body Politic" is "turgid shite" and "grad skool copypasta." We advise residents not to try and teleport into the event at this time.

[UPDATE] The lecture has been removed from the Events Calendar. Thank you for your patience.

[RESOLVED] Transaction History embarrassing

We are currently investigating an issue in which Coolguy25 consumed large quantities of wine coolers last night and spent $5000L on dungeon equipment, which is way more than he can afford and besides his apartment can only hold 36 prims and the Swing-N-Spank by itself is 48 prims, and it's all kind of useless since his girlfriend doesn't log in anymore anyway and what the hell was he thinking, god his head hurts and shit, he really needs to piss.

[UPDATE] Resolved. The vendor has agreed to refund the Swing-N-Spank but not the other items, and Coolguy25 has upgraded to a premium account, a primmier apartment, and a cold shower.


Thursday, May 1, 2008

What's Your Take? - Campers & Bots

Linden Lab is getting rid of traffic rules that favor campers and bots in favor of a hand-picked, editorial showcase of locations. What's your take?

Retired camper

Philnew McBride
Unemployed CEO

Darkchylde Daggerheart
Highway designer
They will never take away my memories of sitting in a chair ... and sitting in a chair ... and sitting in a chair ...Damn, there goes my seed money for High School Musical inSL.If Linden Lab wants to mature as a platform it must showcase the individual creative contributions of multinational corporations.


Tiny Dancing Events Calendar For May

As part of our ongoing commitment to bring you the best coverage possible of the metaverse, we are pleased to offer you our editors' choices for the most interesting and most important events for May.

Office Hours
May, TBD, the Organic Temple of Mephisto
New CEO "M Linden" shall briefly dignify the world with his presence when he deigns fit. Although he shall be AFK during this time, your beseeching, lamenting, and teeth-gnashing shall be logged, and one Wish shall be granted to the petitioner who is most humble and pleasing to the infernal majesty of His ears.

Cinco de Mayo
May 5, all day, Isla del Sol Sim
To celebrate the young Republic of Mexico's victory over an invading French army at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, avatar Homer Delgado is giving away exploding piƱata boobs.

Sigmund Freud's Birthday
May 6, all day, Vienna Institute for International Freudianism
Get coked up and come on down! The Institute is submitting free chatbot psychoanalysis all month long, plus complimentary Archetype Pipes for the guys and for you girls, naughty Freudian Slips are half off.

"Hill-blazers" Whistle Stop
May 11, 9 PM, Club Cherri Red
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will make a surprise appearance at Club Cherri Red in order to shore up the base among her core constituency: transgendered online prostitutes. Photography will not be permitted except on the provided "shaking hands" poseballs please.

Best Catgirl Marathon
May 1 - 31, Black Box Nightclub
The Black Box Nightclub will be holding 744 back-to-back one hour "Best Catgirl" competitions for a grand prize of $500L. Catcalls, caterwauling and catfights will not be permitted except in the specially marked catbox. Mew! ^n_n^