Are We Getting Some Good Tweets About Second Life 2.0?

It was a bright, profitable day in San Francisco.

In a posh suite at the Ritz, a throng of high-tech investors and plugged-in analysts gathered for a sneak peek at the next big thing. Non-disclosure agreements were signed and muffins were consumed. Conversation grew to an audible tizzy, accompanied by the clicking of innumerable Blackberries.

Suddenly, a crack team of web-savvy executives strode into the conference room, confidence stitched into every seam of their Armani suits. They gave a brief presentation; it was brilliantly received: the investors opened up their checkbooks, the analysts pronounced the whole thing "webtacular!" and the executive team got back into their magical flying cars and zoomed back to Google.

Meanwhile, several miles away, in an abandoned box factory, some Lindens began to rise from their makeshift beds: cardboard boxes lain across wooden palettes. Around the metal barrel that served as their collective stove, they began to gather, heating tapwater and Sanka in old coffee mugs scavenged off of Craigslist.

"So Talky, what's the word about Second Life 2.0?" asked T Linden, dropping some restaurant sugar into a chipped blue Pets.com mug. "Are we getting some good tweets about that? Got to get some good tweets about that."

"Not really," admitted Talky. "There's more buzz about this 'Botgirl Questi is a guy' thing. The podcasters are particularly upset.

"Who? What?" Philip Linden sputtered. "Nonsense! Listen! We have spent half a year moving everything onto new tabs and renaming the menus. This is a veritable sea change!"

He enacted his metaphor by making swooshing, ocean sounds with his mouth and waving his arms like a surfer. "Surf the information superhighway, Talky. Ride the next wave of innovation and change!" he said, in his best tech guru voice.

"The feedback seems to be that it's, um, too little too late," Talky said. He then stood up straighter, gulped, and continued. "I hate to bring this up again, but you know, I spent years making those helpful videos showing how to use the current interface and if we change that --"

M Linden interrupted. "But we are the first company to ever put the word 'Geek' right on the menu bar. We are programming our contempt for our users directly into the interface. This is groundbreaking stuff. You don't see that in World of WarCraft. Where's the menu bar for 'LAZY SHUT-IN' on your product, Blizzard? Huh?"

"The users are saying it's just a bunch of useless UI tweaks, instead of a true sequel that quantitatively reinvents the game."

Everyone stopped and stared at Talky Linden. "Did you just refer to Second Life as a game?"

"I meant, I meant the world!" Talky said, desperately clutching his scored and pitted Beenz.com mug, his hands shaking. "An actual sequel that changes the world."

There was an ominous silence, and everyone looked to the leader, M Linden.

"Take him to the Love Machine," M Linden said finally, in a quiet, measured voice that augured horror.

Two members of the RESI team seized the sobbing, pleading Talky and dragged him into an old utility room. Moments later, the lights flickered as an ominous crackle, like a giant bug zapper in mid-sizzle, shot through the warehouse. The victim's screams of primal pain rang in their ears like a dentist's drill.

M Linden smiled at the sound, rubbing his hands together, before resuming the meeting. "I do believe the Watermelon has a point, though. Changing the menus around and adding shit to the Website isn't much of an upgrade, T Linden. If that is your real name." He glared at the other executive darkly, with a meaningful glance towards the utility closet.

"Well what do they expect Second Life 2.0 to be?" demanded T Linden. "Some sort of new program with high end graphics, massive concurrent user support, industry standard content creation tools, and breathtakingly realistic avatars? I mean, that's just crazy talk!"

The circle erupted at such a ridiculous notion. "Earth to crazy people! Hello!" laughed M Linden.

"Yeah, what do they think this is, Mars?" said Phillip Linden.

"I know, really! Some kind of Blue Mars!" said T Linden. "As if!"

They stood for a moment, laughing and chuckling, before filing out, one by one, as they did every morning, onto the loading dock where they chained up their old grocery carts overnight.

Tenderly, they unlocked each and filled them with plastic bags, then fanned out through the city, collecting cans and other recyclables to trade in for precious, precious server money.


It was a bright, profitable day in San Francisco.

Philip Linden's Twitter Updates

The Twitter-verse has not fully embraced Second Life's sandy-haired former CEO, Philip "Philip Linden" Rosedale, and frankly that makes me as angry as a podcaster on Zindra.

How is it possible that our fair-haired golden boy, the Apollo -- nay, Prometheus -- of virtual worlds, with his pop idol looks and Web 2.0 lifestyle, has a mere 1,000 followers?

How is it possible that Mitch "mkapor" Kapor, with his drab avatar and somniferous Tweet-stream about metanomics and 'socially responsible engineering', has amassed a massive army of 11,000+ devotees? Argh! Go build a bridge out of teddy bears, Yawn-Boy!

Confronting this injustice, I point the Bat-finger of blame squarely on you, the SL Twitter users! But I am sure you will immediately correct your mistake, once you have been exposed to Philip's pithy observations and charmingly disarming insights about life in and out of the Lab.

To aid you in your penance, I have created a screen-capture. Click it for detail:






A larger image is supposed to open correctly in a new tab or window. If not, you'll need to go to the Microsoft and get the patches.

Meet "A Linden"

Help Wanted

The tireless staff of Tiny Dancing is forever perusing the Linden Lab Employment Opportunities for a new job insight into the future direction of Second Life.

With the recent hullabaloo over the decision to banish all adult content to a new, as-yet-unnamed continent (we suggest "Kanomiland"), we weren't surprised to see the following classified ad appear recently on the site:



We have sent in our applications and will inform you on our progress.

You Need a Real ID to Look at Fake Tits

This week Linden Lab donned its best BDSM latex Master's gear and pronounced a shoveling of all adult-oriented content to some as-yet unbuilt sexual ghetto. Possibly this new Red Light island will be named Pervopolis or Fruitopia or Freakville. We just don't know.

The delivery of this Commandment was accompanied with all of the usual tact and delicacy we have come to expect from the All-Seeing Eye-Hand, coming in the form of a blog post with disabled comments and a cheery FAQ featuring such euphemistic clabble-dabble as: "implement certain access controls designed to better serve certain constituencies," which is probably trying to say they want to prevent naked dickgirls from walking around the Disney Library, but not one can be quite sure.

Fortunately, we at Tiny Dancing have been leaked an early, first draft of the FAQ, whose answers might prove a little more illuminating... The following is the original frequently answered questions document prepared for and written by the Lindens...



Why is Linden Lab choosing to do this?

Power is not a means, it is an end.

As we sit in the indolent luxury of our secret sims, surrounded by Gorean slaves, captive coders, and imprisoned artists that cater to our every whim and fetish, it is easy for us to grow too complacent, too relaxed. You are always out there, plotting against us, so we must demonstrate out absolute mastery and control of this world we rule, this world we made.

So from time to time we single out a group of degenerates -- age-players, griefers, gamblers, or dildo vendors -- for special humiliation and punishment.

This helps instill fear in the rest of you, turning group against group in bitter acrimony and useless struggle, while we sit triumphant and ascendant upon our mighty thrones.


Why now?

Are you fricking kidding? Have you looked at the economy lately? Look, if one of our high-flying corporate partners demanded it, we would not hesitate to take further action, such as requiring all schoolgirl skirts to extend below the knees or confining furries to some sort of "Monster Island" where they will caper and scritch for the amusement of paying tourists.


What are the short- and long-term plans?

The short-term plan is to watch our forums and blogs for the most outrageous, ridiculous comment you users can create. We will then email them around the office under subject heads like, "LOL! Those crazy pervs r mad again!!". Whoever finds the funniest comment doesn't have to pay for lunch all week.

In the long run, everybody's dead.




Is this something that Second Life users have asked for?

Absolutely. Many of our users are from the United States, Australia, and the United Kingdom, countries with robust and growing police states, featuring such regressive policies as close circuit cameras on every street, Internet block lists, extraordinary renditions, and secret prisons.

We want those users to feel at home.


How does this move prevent minors from entering Second Life or accessing content?

Actually, we expect most teenagers are smart enough to get around our blocks. It's the senior citizens and technophobic ministers and teachers who will be unable to figure out how to access Monster Island, let alone rez a shopping bag, thus saving us from further embarrassment when we go home and our parents ask us what we do all day.


Will this initiative affect Teen Second Life?

What is this "Teen Second Life?" you speak of?


Will this initiative prohibit certain kinds of content in Second Life?

The following content is now prohibited: pictures of giant penises on your estates that are visible from the map, non-age verified users drinking "alcoholic beverages", particle-driven narcotic attachments, and "Power Idling with M Linden" t-shirts.


Has Linden Lab consulted third parties as part of this initiative?

It is highly unlikely that any actual Second Life users would ask us this question and in such a stilted and clumsy manner; however it is quite likely the third party consultant with whom we are consulting on this initiative was compensated handsomely for contributing this question and its answer to our communications strategy document.


Second Life has always been an open environment; is Linden Lab deciding to abandon that principle?

We are not "abandoning" our principles. We are selling them to the highest bidder.


Is Linden Lab trying to deemphasize the community so it can focus more on the enterprise market?

Communities are for communists. We are a fast-paced, agile process, user-generated social media site that is seeking to monetize its userbase through synergistic embeddable marketing opportunities.


If I have already been age verified, or have a payment method on file, will this carry over for the new initiative?

If you have already been age verified, you will be able to access adult content zones…for now. Ultimately, our goal is to convert you into a paying customer, and if that means indirectly prostituting our many fine entertainers and escorts to get you to sign up for a monthly fee, so be it.


Will this bring any benefits for vendors in Second Life?

Yes. You will have fewer customers, leading to lower sales, eventually driving many of your competitors out of business. This will serve as a net benefit to you.



How will this program help attract new users?

We're thinking a few lurid and exploitative articles in Maxim, Playboy, and Cosmo about SL's new "adult-oriented entertainment district" ought to do the trick.


How will these changes affect XstreetSL?

XstreetSL already separates Adult content, so we expect no changes to that system at this time. And since it's fairly easy to get age verified on XstreetSL, we expect more purchases of adult items to go through XstreetSL.

We need a bigger piece of the pie, you see.




3/13/2009