Friday, March 13, 2009

You Need a Real ID to Look at Fake Tits

This week Linden Lab donned its best BDSM latex Master's gear and pronounced a shoveling of all adult-oriented content to some as-yet unbuilt sexual ghetto. Possibly this new Red Light island will be named Pervopolis or Fruitopia or Freakville. We just don't know.

The delivery of this Commandment was accompanied with all of the usual tact and delicacy we have come to expect from the All-Seeing Eye-Hand, coming in the form of a blog post with disabled comments and a cheery FAQ featuring such euphemistic clabble-dabble as: "implement certain access controls designed to better serve certain constituencies," which is probably trying to say they want to prevent naked dickgirls from walking around the Disney Library, but not one can be quite sure.

Fortunately, we at Tiny Dancing have been leaked an early, first draft of the FAQ, whose answers might prove a little more illuminating... The following is the original frequently answered questions document prepared for and written by the Lindens...



Why is Linden Lab choosing to do this?

Power is not a means, it is an end.

As we sit in the indolent luxury of our secret sims, surrounded by Gorean slaves, captive coders, and imprisoned artists that cater to our every whim and fetish, it is easy for us to grow too complacent, too relaxed. You are always out there, plotting against us, so we must demonstrate out absolute mastery and control of this world we rule, this world we made.

So from time to time we single out a group of degenerates -- age-players, griefers, gamblers, or dildo vendors -- for special humiliation and punishment.

This helps instill fear in the rest of you, turning group against group in bitter acrimony and useless struggle, while we sit triumphant and ascendant upon our mighty thrones.


Why now?

Are you fricking kidding? Have you looked at the economy lately? Look, if one of our high-flying corporate partners demanded it, we would not hesitate to take further action, such as requiring all schoolgirl skirts to extend below the knees or confining furries to some sort of "Monster Island" where they will caper and scritch for the amusement of paying tourists.


What are the short- and long-term plans?

The short-term plan is to watch our forums and blogs for the most outrageous, ridiculous comment you users can create. We will then email them around the office under subject heads like, "LOL! Those crazy pervs r mad again!!". Whoever finds the funniest comment doesn't have to pay for lunch all week.

In the long run, everybody's dead.




Is this something that Second Life users have asked for?


Absolutely. Many of our users are from the United States, Australia, and the United Kingdom, countries with robust and growing police states, featuring such regressive policies as close circuit cameras on every street, Internet block lists, extraordinary renditions, and secret prisons.

We want those users to feel at home.


How does this move prevent minors from entering Second Life or accessing content?

Actually, we expect most teenagers are smart enough to get around our blocks. It's the senior citizens and technophobic ministers and teachers who will be unable to figure out how to access Monster Island, let alone rez a shopping bag, thus saving us from further embarrassment when we go home and our parents ask us what we do all day.


Will this initiative affect Teen Second Life?

What is this "Teen Second Life?" you speak of?


Will this initiative prohibit certain kinds of content in Second Life?

The following content is now prohibited: pictures of giant penises on your estates that are visible from the map, non-age verified users drinking "alcoholic beverages", particle-driven narcotic attachments, and "Power Idling with M Linden" t-shirts.


Has Linden Lab consulted third parties as part of this initiative?


It is highly unlikely that any actual Second Life users would ask us this question and in such a stilted and clumsy manner; however it is quite likely the third party consultant with whom we are consulting on this initiative was compensated handsomely for contributing this question and its answer to our communications strategy document.


Second Life has always been an open environment; is Linden Lab deciding to abandon that principle?

We are not "abandoning" our principles. We are selling them to the highest bidder.


Is Linden Lab trying to deemphasize the community so it can focus more on the enterprise market?

Communities are for communists. We are a fast-paced, agile process, user-generated social media site that is seeking to monetize its userbase through synergistic embeddable marketing opportunities.


If I have already been age verified, or have a payment method on file, will this carry over for the new initiative?

If you have already been age verified, you will be able to access adult content zones…for now. Ultimately, our goal is to convert you into a paying customer, and if that means indirectly prostituting our many fine entertainers and escorts to get you to sign up for a monthly fee, so be it.


Will this bring any benefits for vendors in Second Life?

Yes. You will have fewer customers, leading to lower sales, eventually driving many of your competitors out of business. This will serve as a net benefit to you.



How will this program help attract new users?

We're thinking a few lurid and exploitative articles in Maxim, Playboy, and Cosmo about SL's new "adult-oriented entertainment district" ought to do the trick.


How will these changes affect XstreetSL?

XstreetSL already separates Adult content, so we expect no changes to that system at this time. And since it's fairly easy to get age verified on XstreetSL, we expect more purchases of adult items to go through XstreetSL.

We need a bigger piece of the pie, you see.




3/13/2009

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