Wednesday, June 4, 2008

You cannot make $20k a year peeing on a couch

Make a scary siren sound with your vocal chords. Yes, your real ones not some SIREN.WAV sound in your damned inventory. Now pretend that sound is the Tiny Dancing Brand Center Public Service Announcement siren. Are you being a siren yet? Good, let's begin.

Yesterday evening I was in need of a good, free couch to pose my Real Dolls on. And yes I have two of them, and yes they are Lesbians, that is a lifestyle choice they have made and I am supporting them in that. This is why I needed the couch: they won't sleep in my bed anymore.

Real Doll Order Form

So I headed over to Craigslist, browsing the ads, which is sort of like America's dumping ground for junk you can't be arsed to eBay.

I quickly found a suitable couch, and the grainy, out of focus picture of the davenport in action featured (surprise, surprise!) a grimy carpet, a Nintendo Pii-Wii controller, and a Bob Marley poster peeling off the wall just enough to see the crumbling, cracked plaster facade of one man's failed life.

It's easy to picture the owner of this couch, some crybaby hipster doofus who probably just got laid off from his Web 2.0 social media embeddable widget start-up, and is too lazy to move or sell his couch. So he just dumps it on the sidewalk, posts it as "Free!" on Craigslist and forgets about it, feeling good about himself for "giving back to the community" and "defeating the corporate couch-industrial complex," never mind that three weeks after he's moved out of the neighborhood the fucking couch is still there, stained with rain-induced mildew and dog urine.

My city is full of generous guys like these, in their post-ironic T-shirts featuring Che Guevara printed up Andy Warhol-style. Actually, I only invented that mental image right now, but of course Google already had it ready to serve up. This proves stonermagically that everything already exists on the Internet. You just have to bongwish it into being.

Che Guevara Pop Art

So take that, you Extropian fiends! No more waiting around for your Singularity. The Internet is obviously already sentient and telepathic; it is already the collective unconscious of the human race, which is why it is already jammed up to its virtual visual cortex with porn.

Anyhoo, after losing interest in the couch and musing upon what a dirty mind this Internet fellow has, I blundered across the phenomenon Mr. Singularity would call "a coincidence" but which a hipster doofus would call "synchronicity" because Sting wrote an album about it, which makes it real in hipster doofus physics.

The synchronicity in question was this attention-grabbing sodomization of reality:

Make $20k+ a Year. Second Life Virtual Business! WOW! - $152

Second Life business for sale ad from Craigs List

This is a real post, though it will probably be gone in a week or so since they auto-expire; however you can find more by googling craigs. I put up a screen shot as proof, but if you cannot read the tiny print, here is what it says:

I am currently selling my virtual business in the game of secondlife. (Visit for more info on the game.) Basically this game is a virtual metaverse that is a copy of Real Life. There are over 5,000,000 Users worldwide and over $1,250,000USD IN DAILY CURRENCY FLOWING AROUND THE GAME. Yes, this means that a piece of that $1.2 Mill Daily could be yours! I am not saying you will make anywhere close to $1.2 Mill daily but hey, who knows? Basically you buy this business from me and set it up and watch sales come in. It requires no more then 1 hour a week of your time after the intitial setup. Just check your mall rental fees and check your sales and answer customers questions. The reason I am selling this business is because i sold my personal computer and I am going off to SCHOOL.

Wow, only one hour a week and hey, who knows, I might make twenty thousand or maybe even some of that MILLION dollars flowing around the world like group spam! This kind of wishful thinking is what we might call hipster doofus economics, preying on the greed and naiveté of a generation of deadbeats whose decaying public schools have left them so bad at math they think they can get rich quick sitting on a couch, masturbating to Donald Trump's television-based reality.

But I am on to you, hipster doofus. If you sold your personal computer and are going to school, then how did you manage to use your computer to post an ad for your urine-soaked couch of a business?

You can tell by the screen shot of that little FEMA trailer of a shop that this guy is not exactly Anshe Chung enterprises. Let's take a closer look at some of his merchandise. Ha, ha Pittsburgh Pirates. Hipsters like irony:

High quality Pirate merchandise

I added the encouraging caption, because you'll need some if you think you're going to make twenty thousand dollars a year selling contraband virtual baseball hats.

That raises a good question though: if an unlicensed fake is sold in a virtual world do the two irrealities somehow cancel each other out like Sting's songs and turn into something real, like my undying love for Phillip Linden?

The Tiny Dancing Brand Center: Exploiting robot labor since 2008!

You see, to prove my undying love I created a robot Phillip to do my bidding in my own hellish FEMA trailer of a Second Life store. And that's real.

But am I being hypocritical mocking that Craigslist guy for trying to sell his joke business, while at the same time operating the Tiny Dancing Branding Center, which by the way is the world's #1 source for ugly "M Linden Power Idling" T-shirts, on sale now for a limited time only for the low, low price of ten Lindens, available both in world and on the SL Exchange?

Yes, yes I am, because hypocrisy is hipster doofus politics, and if you happen to see this headline on Craiglist some day:

Make $20k+ a Year Selling Ugly M Linden Power Idling T-Shirts! WOW! $200

then you'll know has gone out of business, I lost my job, gave away my couch, and I'm all out of Real Dolls to sell.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Around the Grid

Gorean Application Completed

Second Life resident Bunnypet Hugsalot finally completed her application to the Land of Snakes and Honey Gorean roleplay today. She finished reading seventy notecards, filled out fourteen separate forms, and agreed to install the Comet Cursor spyware virus in order to be permitted to wear the newbie outfit and proceed onto the sim.

She was promptly yelled at then ignored.

Second Life Reuters Says "Nothing Happened"

No Linden Lab CEOs were hired or fired, no money-wasting Fortune 500 corporate Frankenstein sims were created or destroyed, and John Stewart did not make fun of Second Life residents, Reuters reported today.

Congresswoman Still Searching for Al-Qaeda in Second Life

Although a think tank report suggested that the idea of terrorists using of Second Life was "kind of stupid," Congresswoman Jane Harman (D-CA) continued to search for terrorists in Second Life.

"Someone must remain vigilant," she said, while shoving tips down the panties of swaying naked dancers on Ecstasy Island. "Terrorists are lurking in the metaverse," she added later, while visiting a shemale cathouse. "I'll keep searching until I find them!" she said, while rubbing up naked against everyone in a freebie sex dungeon.


Monday, June 2, 2008

Ask a Second Life Bling Tard

Dear Second Life Bling Tard,
I think my SL boyfriend has a problem. He is more interested in his combat roleplay than he is in spending time with me. He is part of the Space Marines group and they spend a lot of time building, simming, and making new weapons and of course battles. It barely leaves any time for him to cuddle his kittycat! Mew! What should I do?
-- Pajamacat Springfield

Bring da noise! Dat's right! Rock it boyz and girlz! Put your hands up! Put your hands up! All right! This club ROCKS! You peeps r the greatest! Give me some HOWLZ!!! Wooooo! Hoowwwwl! party like a rock star!

Dear Second Life Bling Tard,
I just bought my first land here in Second Life. It's a nice little plot of 512 square meters. I put on it a new house on it that I made. Anyway my problem is my neighbors. They have put up the most ugly texture I ever seen it is animated and glowing and it hurts my eyes. I am afraid to file a report though what if the lindens say I am filing a false report I don't want to get banned. But this texture slows my pc it is very ugly.
-- Merry Masonry

Click my butt for the dance. Yeah hit the chim! Lets go come on every body! Say word! WORD! Come on tp in your friends and enemies 2! This party is just getting started! Did I hear a hell yeah? I cant hear you. Did I hear a HELL YEAH? That's what I'm talking about!

Dear Second Life Bling Tard,
Lately I find myself going to some of the shemale clubs in Second Life. The girls there are really hot, I mean same as the other girls, but just the thought of a little secrets hidden up in their panties, I don't know something about it just kind of excites me. Does this mean I'm gay?
-- Confused in Connecticut

Motha fukkas say word! We are going to dance until dawn! Woot! Woot! Let's get your hands in the air! Give it up for our fabulous DJ Spinner33, he's got hip hop up the yip yop! Put yo hands up for our dancers 2, ladyKay and Michaelmostest. MAKE SOME NOISE DOGS!!!

Coolguy25 is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, "Ask A Second Life Bling Tard," is published in such diverse and respected publications as Stars and Stripes and the Second Life Herald.


Sunday, June 1, 2008

Around the Grid

Newbie Escapes Orientation Island

Second Life newcomer Jacques Horowitz completed his tasks on Orientation Island and joined the Second Life community today, in spite of a baffling HUD jammed into his face and an incomprehensible inventory and clothing system that resulted in a wooden pyramid on his head.

He was the first new user in the last 1,000 that was not an alt or a bot that managed to escape the flaming pits of Satan.

Second Life Herald Embarrassing

The Second Life Herald today published an article that made no sense, sources reported. The article began with a poem about a sailboat, broke off into some mushy chat speak, and concluded with a histrionic warning about notecard hackers.

SL Avatars Deceptive, Journalist Declares

According to a new report by a highly paid tech journalist for a mainstream media corporation, avatars in Second Life aren't always what they seem.

"See that buxom blonde girl? Might be a guy," he reported. "That guy over there, six feet tall and flexing? He is probably overweight in first life."

The journalist was given additional air time to explain his amazing discoveries which nobody else on the whole Internets ever thought of or even considered before this shining genius came down from heaven on a ray of light and illuminated the darkness with his light bulbs of truth and lanterns of brilliancy.